Help

I am STILL not over my ex. I keep trying to stop talking to him but I can't. I still am in love with him and it is so obvious when I see him. I really truly don't understand it. It's not like he treated me so great or that he is this wonderful amazing guy. I don't know how 4 months of dating this one guy has caused me so much misery. It has been over 6 months now since we broke up. And he is still with his gf. And we still talk. I know about him not being happy and how depressed he gets when they fight. I also know how much he enjoys talking to me and says he loves hanging out with me. I know he is not in love with me. I just hate that he enjoys me so much and yet I am not the one he wants. Maybe it's an ego thing. Idk but it still hurts. I am trying to date someone new right now. He is great. He is so sweet and kind. I feel like such an awful person for still dealing with my ex. He told me tonight that he still talks to his ex a few times a month. But I talk to mine almost everyday and I see him about twice a month. Plus I am still in love with him. Why am I upset?
-He walked out the door on me and didn't seem upset at all.
-Whenever they fight or things are rocky he is so depressed and upset.
-He was dating her while he was dating me
-He never treated me like a gf. Like he was in love with me.
-He still talks and sees me so much. Against her wishes too
-I feel lost and out of control
-The only solution is to stop talking to him, or at least try to ween myself off of him. I am currently trying to do that.
-The whole relationship was crap. I was in this fairy tale bubble. So happy. But the whole time he was in a different place. I think I was his rebound girl. We had lots of sex, but he never called me baby or sweet names. He only added me on Facebook to get a hold of me after he lost his phone.

WHY can't I accept he never loved me and was just using me? Why can't I let myself see that and not answer his calls or texts? I know I have a hard time letting go. My crazy ex bf Anthony and I were still friends as of a month ago. Hell we were hooking up sometimes too. He was a terrible guy and yet I still try and text him. I have real self esteem issues and I wish I could get some counseling for it. I just don't have any money. But if I want to be happy. I gotta fix this situation.

Yep

Well AL and I had a break for about 2 weeks. I was actually starting to get over him and I was seeing someone. Well that relationship ended super quick and I decided to see how AL was doing. That was just this past Saturday. Well he was with a friend so he couldn't talk. He called me Sunday and we talked a lot that day. Things between him and his gf had been going good until recently where they were bad again. I tried to stay away from anything romantic with him. Well we ended up meeting for coffee that night. It was a good time, normal like usual. Until the end where I got gloomy because of my recent break up. AL struggled to tell me something and I still don't know what it was. But I think it was something about how good I was. I was mad that it seems like I am never enough for anyone. So idk. Anyways he got super close to my face as if teasing me to kiss him. He did that several times and every time I told him to stop it. I was crazy frisky at that point and so was he. So I bolted to my car and said see ya later lol Monday night he calls me and is in a bad mood. I am sure him and his gf were fighting. Several times he told me in coded ways that he loved me. Ok so then he had to go to the ER on Tuesday night, he had some bad back pain. We talked for a little bit Tuesday night and I knew I was getting back to that place where I was falling again. Wed night I was super depressed because I knew it was his day off and that meant gf time. So I layed there in bed and cried. I cried for a long time. I have been depressed all day today and yesterday. Tonight I went and bought 3 bottles of wine just to not be so focused on him. I only ended up drinking one bottle. I had decided ok no more drama. Telling him off again and this time sticking by it is the only solution. I tried to call him several times and I am back to being blocked because it goes straight to his voicemail. Well I decided to stalk his gf on FB. I know pathetic. Any who on Valentine's Day there is a card from him to her. And in that card is a personal message of how much he is lucky she is in his life and how much he loves her.
Speechless
Still speechless
I dialed his number and left a voicemail saying to never contact me again and to just forget me. I didn;t mention what I had found. Because naturally you love your bf/gf. But how can he say the same thing to another woman (me) and not see there is a problem there. How the fuck can he say he loves me all the while he is with his gf telling her the same story? I thought I loved him and yes I know I do. But I can not let this happen anymore. Tonight right now has to be it. I currently have his number on block and right now I never wanna see him again. I have no idea what the future holds but in some way I hope he is not in it. Its beyond the point of why wasn't I enough. Because I know I am just too much. I was too nice and sweet to him. He couldn't handle that kind of love. He needs the kind of love that he has to prove himself to his gf. He has to buy her things to impress her then he feels more like a man. They are kids and I am a woman. Now I just need to start acting like a strong woman. Here's to that!

Common Ground

I like blogging because you get to go back and read what you are like. I obvioduly have a hard time letting go. Like wow really LOL It seems like once I deem these guys "good" guys I can't seem to let them go. But ironically they are NEVER "good" guys. Oh well life is a journey not a destination. I learn everyday who I am and who I want to be. I know I have hit some bumps along the way but at the end of the day I am just me. I am a good friend, hard worker, funny as hell, kinda cute, sweet, and compassionate. I just hope one day....maybe soon....God sends me a good man. A real good guy.

A new day

So yesterday I got a strange text from AL. The text said that he was blocking me because he had a gf and it was fucked up that I text him that I missed him. So I knew it was from his gf, I waited and waited. Finally he called about 7 and had no idea she sent that. I was obviously upset by her actions because who does that? Plus shes not really wrong to wanna block me. I mean her bf is in love with me and I him. It is a fucked up situation. Anyways his reaction was oh I guess she knows my code I better change it. I was livid by his cowardness. He always sticks up to me and confronts me. But this girl is just so damn fucking amazing she gets away with anything. So he calls me later and after about 30 minutes of just arguing I hang up. He tries to call back and I don't end up answering for a good half hour. So we are talking and he is all over me like normal talking about sex and us. He even said we are friends then he said with stronger feelings then that. He had sent the crazy one a text asking if she had been in his phone and at this time she hadn't responded. So we talk for a good hour and he lets me go to work. Probably 2 hours later he calls me back. TOTALLY DIFFERENT!!!! He makes no personal connection with me at all. If he loved me in any capacity I couldn't tell. So I eventually just hung up and text him a few serious text. No response. An hour later he texts maybe twice just random one liners. I knew when he was off work. I text him probably 4 texts. Still at 335pm the next day I have not heard back. I am assuming the whore invited him over to talk and he fucked her and they made up. All is happy happy with them now. I am guessing she asked him to stop talking to me. I guarantee you he will do it too. So
HERE___________________________________________________________________________is my breaking point!
I AM better then them. I don't love like that. I am over all the bullshit and I am seriously going to try to just move on. I never did shit to him and he dumps me. She does this and lies and he still wants her. He likes being mistreated I think. I think he can not handle real pure love. That is all I am. So we can never work. So what's the point. There is none.

crap!

I keep living my life like it is a fucking love story. I am STILL talking to AL. He is STILL with his gf. He has since confessed that he did and maybe does love me. He tells me he misses me and when I ask he admits he still feels it with me. However as of the other night when I asked him what was his plan he says he is not thinking about any of it at all right now. I asked what was he planning on doing. Dating her until they broke up and then worry about him and I? I said I would always feel like second place. So he tells me he isn' thinking about any of that. Which to me implies that he hasn't a fucking clue what he is doing in the new relationship. But I think that is a crock of shit. They had an argument a week ago and he seemed pretty upset that they may be breaking up. Plus they see each other every fucking week! So obviously yet again he is misleading me. Well I had told him that sometimes I feel like he is my other half. After he told me the previous shit I told him I take that back. Yes I love him and honestly I think he may be one of the great loves of my life. But I just have to walk away. I will never trust him with my heart. I will always fear that he will get scared again and be looking for someone new. He will never love me as deep as I want. I think that is why he ended it. Yeah he got scared. Because what we had was real love and it was going somewhere. I guess he likes this girl but she's 23. I highly doubt thinking on the same level as me. She is just easier and I am harder. But I can't settle. I love him and care deeply for him. But I will never have enough. It will never really be enough. I just don't know where to go from here. I can't stop talking to him. I love talking to him. We saw each other this past week and it was nice. A bit awkward at first but by the end it was good. Except I know his gf would not be very happy with us hanging out. And in honesty she shouldn't be. I;m in love with her bf! Plus he is telling me he loves me and misses me while he is with her. The issue is also it is effecting my dating life. I wanna move on but I can't seem to get the idea of the new guy not being AL. Plus the other night he fucking told me I should go out with some dude. I really don't know what to do. I cried a lot tonight, but I didn't and won't text him. A) he is with his gf and B) I want him to think I am finally moving on. I need to move on. He has put a hold on "us". I just wish I could do the same.

The latest

I feel like all I do is bitch about ex bf's/ Oh well. Let's add another one to the list. We will call him Al. So we met on eharmony at the end of June. We met each other about 2 weeks after we started talking. We hit it off pretty quick. I wonder now if it was just lust. But at the time and now some days I wonder if we really did have something. Pretty much July, August, and September were pretty good months. Things definitely fizzled out in October. He ended it with me on 10/21. I found out on 10/31 he had started dating a new girl as of 10/24. So yeah he was talking to her while we were dating. Al broke up with me because he couldn't handle a relationship right now. So explain why he is in one now? Pretty much I was and really to be honest still am heart broken. I knew he wasn't my soul mate or my romeo. But I liked him and really enjoyed having him around. I wish we could still be together. I am tired of everyone telling me to leave him alone and that he is bad for me. I agree in someways. But he was also very good for me. I miss what we had. I miss the fun we had and the person I was with him. I was carefree and young. He was younger btw. I laughed when he would call me a hoe or bitch. I enjoyed just drinking and escaping the world together. He wasn't looking for serious and that is why he left. Deep down at the end of the day I need serious. I need to be loved and I need my man around. Al would disappear on me for 48 hours and not contact me. He would get mad at me when I would be upset about that. These last few days have been bad. We talked on Sun/Mon and we were very flirty. I honestly thought to myself as we hung up....wow we might get back together. Then Mon, Tues, Wed and now Thursday he has COMPLETELY ignored me. I sent him a few text saying we are done. So he probably doesn't want to talk to me. As I am typing this I thought I want to text him. But as I type Ive decided not to. At least not for a few days. Maybe I just need some time away from him and I will start to see life without him isn't so bad. Idk. I also realize that when one person still loves the other, a normal friendship is near impossible. I wait for him to call or text me. I am not over him and until I am I just don't see how I can be any different. I feel like I still treat him like my bf. He's not. So I need to let him live his life and do whatever he wants. And I do not need to let someone have that hold on me. So I think space is a great thing right now. As I said we will see what happens.

Hmmmm

Well much has changed. I can finally say I am 100% finished with my ex bf...A. As of May 13th. He is gone! We tried to date for a month. Things at the very beginning were good. I was happy and he was a good bf. Things started fading away. His text got fewer and fewer. I saw him less and of course once again he became too sick to do anything. So I ended it and walked away. And since this is my own personal diary and I don't need to lie on it.....im not lol My heart is completely done with him. Yay your saying. Well on one hand absolutely yay. But of course I tried to date someone else. His name is J. We started off very sexual and here I act surprised that he never seems to really think much of my feelings. He seemed to be very serious about wanting to be with me. Even after we have slept together twice he still claims he has feelings for me. But he disappears and I don't hear from him for awhile. Tonight we mentioned getting together and then when I got off work....poof he's nowhere to be found. It hurts because I do like him. But in all honesty what did I expect. I just need to heal up this wound and move on. I am on eharmony and haven't had any luck. I have people talking to me, but it goes nowhere. It's ok I hope someday soon to just leave all this drama behind and be happy. Idk when that will be, but only I have the power to change things for the better. Wish me luck blog land.