Common Ground

I like blogging because you get to go back and read what you are like. I obvioduly have a hard time letting go. Like wow really LOL It seems like once I deem these guys "good" guys I can't seem to let them go. But ironically they are NEVER "good" guys. Oh well life is a journey not a destination. I learn everyday who I am and who I want to be. I know I have hit some bumps along the way but at the end of the day I am just me. I am a good friend, hard worker, funny as hell, kinda cute, sweet, and compassionate. I just hope one day....maybe soon....God sends me a good man. A real good guy.

A new day

So yesterday I got a strange text from AL. The text said that he was blocking me because he had a gf and it was fucked up that I text him that I missed him. So I knew it was from his gf, I waited and waited. Finally he called about 7 and had no idea she sent that. I was obviously upset by her actions because who does that? Plus shes not really wrong to wanna block me. I mean her bf is in love with me and I him. It is a fucked up situation. Anyways his reaction was oh I guess she knows my code I better change it. I was livid by his cowardness. He always sticks up to me and confronts me. But this girl is just so damn fucking amazing she gets away with anything. So he calls me later and after about 30 minutes of just arguing I hang up. He tries to call back and I don't end up answering for a good half hour. So we are talking and he is all over me like normal talking about sex and us. He even said we are friends then he said with stronger feelings then that. He had sent the crazy one a text asking if she had been in his phone and at this time she hadn't responded. So we talk for a good hour and he lets me go to work. Probably 2 hours later he calls me back. TOTALLY DIFFERENT!!!! He makes no personal connection with me at all. If he loved me in any capacity I couldn't tell. So I eventually just hung up and text him a few serious text. No response. An hour later he texts maybe twice just random one liners. I knew when he was off work. I text him probably 4 texts. Still at 335pm the next day I have not heard back. I am assuming the whore invited him over to talk and he fucked her and they made up. All is happy happy with them now. I am guessing she asked him to stop talking to me. I guarantee you he will do it too. So
HERE___________________________________________________________________________is my breaking point!
I AM better then them. I don't love like that. I am over all the bullshit and I am seriously going to try to just move on. I never did shit to him and he dumps me. She does this and lies and he still wants her. He likes being mistreated I think. I think he can not handle real pure love. That is all I am. So we can never work. So what's the point. There is none.

crap!

I keep living my life like it is a fucking love story. I am STILL talking to AL. He is STILL with his gf. He has since confessed that he did and maybe does love me. He tells me he misses me and when I ask he admits he still feels it with me. However as of the other night when I asked him what was his plan he says he is not thinking about any of it at all right now. I asked what was he planning on doing. Dating her until they broke up and then worry about him and I? I said I would always feel like second place. So he tells me he isn' thinking about any of that. Which to me implies that he hasn't a fucking clue what he is doing in the new relationship. But I think that is a crock of shit. They had an argument a week ago and he seemed pretty upset that they may be breaking up. Plus they see each other every fucking week! So obviously yet again he is misleading me. Well I had told him that sometimes I feel like he is my other half. After he told me the previous shit I told him I take that back. Yes I love him and honestly I think he may be one of the great loves of my life. But I just have to walk away. I will never trust him with my heart. I will always fear that he will get scared again and be looking for someone new. He will never love me as deep as I want. I think that is why he ended it. Yeah he got scared. Because what we had was real love and it was going somewhere. I guess he likes this girl but she's 23. I highly doubt thinking on the same level as me. She is just easier and I am harder. But I can't settle. I love him and care deeply for him. But I will never have enough. It will never really be enough. I just don't know where to go from here. I can't stop talking to him. I love talking to him. We saw each other this past week and it was nice. A bit awkward at first but by the end it was good. Except I know his gf would not be very happy with us hanging out. And in honesty she shouldn't be. I;m in love with her bf! Plus he is telling me he loves me and misses me while he is with her. The issue is also it is effecting my dating life. I wanna move on but I can't seem to get the idea of the new guy not being AL. Plus the other night he fucking told me I should go out with some dude. I really don't know what to do. I cried a lot tonight, but I didn't and won't text him. A) he is with his gf and B) I want him to think I am finally moving on. I need to move on. He has put a hold on "us". I just wish I could do the same.