The latest

I feel like all I do is bitch about ex bf's/ Oh well. Let's add another one to the list. We will call him Al. So we met on eharmony at the end of June. We met each other about 2 weeks after we started talking. We hit it off pretty quick. I wonder now if it was just lust. But at the time and now some days I wonder if we really did have something. Pretty much July, August, and September were pretty good months. Things definitely fizzled out in October. He ended it with me on 10/21. I found out on 10/31 he had started dating a new girl as of 10/24. So yeah he was talking to her while we were dating. Al broke up with me because he couldn't handle a relationship right now. So explain why he is in one now? Pretty much I was and really to be honest still am heart broken. I knew he wasn't my soul mate or my romeo. But I liked him and really enjoyed having him around. I wish we could still be together. I am tired of everyone telling me to leave him alone and that he is bad for me. I agree in someways. But he was also very good for me. I miss what we had. I miss the fun we had and the person I was with him. I was carefree and young. He was younger btw. I laughed when he would call me a hoe or bitch. I enjoyed just drinking and escaping the world together. He wasn't looking for serious and that is why he left. Deep down at the end of the day I need serious. I need to be loved and I need my man around. Al would disappear on me for 48 hours and not contact me. He would get mad at me when I would be upset about that. These last few days have been bad. We talked on Sun/Mon and we were very flirty. I honestly thought to myself as we hung up....wow we might get back together. Then Mon, Tues, Wed and now Thursday he has COMPLETELY ignored me. I sent him a few text saying we are done. So he probably doesn't want to talk to me. As I am typing this I thought I want to text him. But as I type Ive decided not to. At least not for a few days. Maybe I just need some time away from him and I will start to see life without him isn't so bad. Idk. I also realize that when one person still loves the other, a normal friendship is near impossible. I wait for him to call or text me. I am not over him and until I am I just don't see how I can be any different. I feel like I still treat him like my bf. He's not. So I need to let him live his life and do whatever he wants. And I do not need to let someone have that hold on me. So I think space is a great thing right now. As I said we will see what happens.

Hmmmm

Well much has changed. I can finally say I am 100% finished with my ex bf...A. As of May 13th. He is gone! We tried to date for a month. Things at the very beginning were good. I was happy and he was a good bf. Things started fading away. His text got fewer and fewer. I saw him less and of course once again he became too sick to do anything. So I ended it and walked away. And since this is my own personal diary and I don't need to lie on it.....im not lol My heart is completely done with him. Yay your saying. Well on one hand absolutely yay. But of course I tried to date someone else. His name is J. We started off very sexual and here I act surprised that he never seems to really think much of my feelings. He seemed to be very serious about wanting to be with me. Even after we have slept together twice he still claims he has feelings for me. But he disappears and I don't hear from him for awhile. Tonight we mentioned getting together and then when I got off work....poof he's nowhere to be found. It hurts because I do like him. But in all honesty what did I expect. I just need to heal up this wound and move on. I am on eharmony and haven't had any luck. I have people talking to me, but it goes nowhere. It's ok I hope someday soon to just leave all this drama behind and be happy. Idk when that will be, but only I have the power to change things for the better. Wish me luck blog land.

moving on in a way

Well on the up side I have lost 5 lbs and Ive walked 8 miles in a week. The downside is there is still continual drama with my ex. I just don't think I can just be his friend, but I also can't seem to just walk away. I do have to hand it to him, he has endured a lot of drama from me. So as of right this minute I think he hates me...but I don't know. I have finally hit acceptance though. I finally accept he doesn't want me and that is definitely a good sign that I am slowly moving forward. I was trying for so long to put a reason for why he doesn't want me. He says he just wants to be alone, and I know its that he has someone else already. Both reasons don't matter and no matter what I say to him he won't just change his mind and want me again. I am hoping that someone how all of this is going to help me just move on from loving him. Idk how but I feel a tiny bit stronger today then I did yesterday. It's a start.

Hahahaa....yeah

So about a week after my last post my ex(A) contacted me. He apologized and said he missed me. I was at a very vulnerable state because at that time I was dating a guy named...B. He wasn't very good to me. We had no emotional connection at all. Basically we hung out and I stayed the night. Usually we had sex and watched  tv. I wanted more but couldn't seem to let go of B. So when A wanted back in I let him. The plan was for me to finally end things with B and A and I would start some happy new life. Well I tried to date both for a month. I was sleeping with them both and A found out. He is a very nosy person and found my phone and saw some messages from B. He walked out on me that night and ignored me up until about a week ago. I was heart broken. I felt so much guilt then he wouldn't talk to me. It was a rough month. B never found out but I ended things with him a week ago yesterday. He hasn't contacted me and I haven't contacted him. He was just to selfish for me. Anyways A and I are just talking as friends right now. I can't decide if I want him back because he doesn't want me or if I really do love him. I shouldn't. As much crap as he has put me through everyone in my life thinks he is a bad guy. I don't know why I can't seem to let him go. Like tonight he said he had to work. But I don't trust that that is what is going on. I don't think that will ever change. I have totally evolved into a different person. I use to be kinda...well slutty. I have slept with many guys and only about 5 were actual relationships. I was always needing attention, always needed to be wanted. So that's why I have cheated on A a few times. I was always wanting someone else because I couldn't put my past....in the past. I finally have. I have deleted numbers or just blocked them from messaging me. I think what I really need to see is that I am doing this for me to have a better future. I am not doing it to be with A. I believe in fate if its meant to be it will be. I won't keep obsessing over it. I just wanna live my life and stay happy and true to myself.

Ongoing

Hello blog. Well let's see. Well Thanksgiving Day I decided it would be smart to text my ex happy thanksgiving  That was without texting him for almost of month. From then until Christmas Day we were texting each other  Nothing romantic. Mostly him telling me how happy he was in his new life. How he was a changed man,,,,BLAH BLAH BLAH For some reason I let him stay in my life until Christmas  We had had several fights because he was so insensitive to me and our relationship. He ended things but I blocked him from my phone and that's where he will stay. I was just lonely and looking for some attention.

So I am dating someone. I think he is adorable! Like really idk why he is with me. But he is a pretty crappy bf. Well he's not even a bf, we're just dating. We have been dating since mid November  Things are ok. I really enjoy being with him but its so hard to see him. He is always busy. So idk where its going but its interesting.