moving on in a way

Well on the up side I have lost 5 lbs and Ive walked 8 miles in a week. The downside is there is still continual drama with my ex. I just don't think I can just be his friend, but I also can't seem to just walk away. I do have to hand it to him, he has endured a lot of drama from me. So as of right this minute I think he hates me...but I don't know. I have finally hit acceptance though. I finally accept he doesn't want me and that is definitely a good sign that I am slowly moving forward. I was trying for so long to put a reason for why he doesn't want me. He says he just wants to be alone, and I know its that he has someone else already. Both reasons don't matter and no matter what I say to him he won't just change his mind and want me again. I am hoping that someone how all of this is going to help me just move on from loving him. Idk how but I feel a tiny bit stronger today then I did yesterday. It's a start.

Hahahaa....yeah

So about a week after my last post my ex(A) contacted me. He apologized and said he missed me. I was at a very vulnerable state because at that time I was dating a guy named...B. He wasn't very good to me. We had no emotional connection at all. Basically we hung out and I stayed the night. Usually we had sex and watched  tv. I wanted more but couldn't seem to let go of B. So when A wanted back in I let him. The plan was for me to finally end things with B and A and I would start some happy new life. Well I tried to date both for a month. I was sleeping with them both and A found out. He is a very nosy person and found my phone and saw some messages from B. He walked out on me that night and ignored me up until about a week ago. I was heart broken. I felt so much guilt then he wouldn't talk to me. It was a rough month. B never found out but I ended things with him a week ago yesterday. He hasn't contacted me and I haven't contacted him. He was just to selfish for me. Anyways A and I are just talking as friends right now. I can't decide if I want him back because he doesn't want me or if I really do love him. I shouldn't. As much crap as he has put me through everyone in my life thinks he is a bad guy. I don't know why I can't seem to let him go. Like tonight he said he had to work. But I don't trust that that is what is going on. I don't think that will ever change. I have totally evolved into a different person. I use to be kinda...well slutty. I have slept with many guys and only about 5 were actual relationships. I was always needing attention, always needed to be wanted. So that's why I have cheated on A a few times. I was always wanting someone else because I couldn't put my past....in the past. I finally have. I have deleted numbers or just blocked them from messaging me. I think what I really need to see is that I am doing this for me to have a better future. I am not doing it to be with A. I believe in fate if its meant to be it will be. I won't keep obsessing over it. I just wanna live my life and stay happy and true to myself.